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Questions for the Dread Prophet
This section is where questions submitted by readers will be addressed directly by the Dread Prophet. Orarim consultations may be provided when needed. Q. Why does Joel's Army canon just seem to be regular Christianity, except with a lot of ass-related wordplay and the word “dread” injected into everything? A. I can assure you that Joel's Army beliefs are not a matter of wordplay! You see, in Joel's Army we are accustomed to speaking and writing in what is known as “Dreadspeak.” Dreadspeak is based on Dread Latin, which is a very ancient derivative of Dread Aramaic, the language of the Dread Champion himself! Dread Latin is complex, but the entire language consists of only ten words: Dread, sphincter, hole, sphincterhole, shart, feed, clench, rim, brown, and fist. Millions of ideas can be expressed by the tone and inflection when pronouncing these words. This is accomplished by clenching the sphincterhole as you speak. There are over thirty-five thousand meanings to the word “brown” alone! Q. Can the Dread Champion create a shoe so big that even he can't fit it into his ass? A. No. Q. What is the Joel's Army stance on extraterrestrial life? A. While some Christians scoff at the idea of life outside of Earth, Joel's Army embraces the notion of extraterrestrial beings. Our records show that alien space travelers, which we know as “The Visitants,” have been landing on our planet and glorifying the Dread Champion by feeding things into people's anuses for centuries. The Visitants even helped the Pharaoh Rimses build the pyramids, which were essentially colossal rectum stretchers, not tombs as many believe! Q. You've converted me! How do I enlist in Joel's Army? A. It's easy, new friend! Simply grab your closest copy of the Holey Bible and repeat after me! Dear Dread Champion. I hereby accept you into my shart as my overlord and slaver. Now, shove the Word of God into your waiting and willing sphincter while holding glorious thoughts of the Dread Champion in your mind's brown eye...that's it! If you want to enlist in person, there are TOP SECRET Joel's Army Recruitment Centers hidden all over the United States! See if you can find one! Weak-minded young people with wealthy, gullible parents can Click Here for more recruitment information! God commands it! Q. I love holidays! Does Joel's Army celebrate any of the traditional Christian holidays? A. We love holidays just as much as everyone else! In fact, we celebrate all of same holidays, except without the infernally twisted machinations of manifest evil that permeate “lost holidays” like Christmas, Easter, Bastille Day, and your birthday. Naturally, our holidays all center around the glorifying of our overlord the Dread Champion, not commercialized nonsense like gifts and happiness. For instance, at Champmas time, we all decorate a well-trimmed Douglas fir with timeless keepsake ornaments and then slowly feed it up our asses. For All-Hollow's Feed, we carve pumpkins into frightening Dread o' Lanterns, after which we bear down on them in our lawns in front of children in spooky costumes. Don't forget to take the candle out first! Boo! Q. Do you have confessionals? I'm Catholic, and I feel bad if I don't repent for beating my wife. A. Yes! You'll still be able to be a piece of crap and still feel superior to everyone else by repenting once a week! However, instead of dreary old confession booths, we employ the use of the Simulacrum mas Sphinctus. This is a large cone of brown velvet which is suspended from the ceiling of the church. When a sinner wishes to confess his misdeeds, he and the Dread Chaplain will simply feed their heads into the warm cone of velvet so that he can whisper them softly. The Dread Chaplain will then issue forth the order to recite a select number of “Dread Marys” or “Our Farters”. The sinner will then recite these sacred oaths while mindlessly clicking his Rosary Anal Beads. Our Farters, who shart in Heaven hollowed be thine ass. From kingdom Dread, thine hole be fed on Earth as it is in Heaven. Ask Away! Please submit any questions you want answered to the Dread Prophet!